My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
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How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.