IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
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Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
What’s so funny?
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.