This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
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Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Google Pay be like:
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.