It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
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What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
The cashier just checked me out.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
A huge thanks to the person that did this
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?