My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
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attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
dictator is short for richard potato
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this