me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
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[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*