is this store having a stroke wtf
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I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.