ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
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[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.