even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
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[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate