I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
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So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.