Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
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The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
good for her
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.