Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
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me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
why no one uses midhusbands
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen