My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
You Might Also Like
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Wait a minute
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot