Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
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ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Great Canadian literature.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.