Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
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So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
unbelievably distressed by this ad