About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
You Might Also Like
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win