hamburger doesn’t need your help.
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
road rage
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard