Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
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What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Banking tips
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
the three genders
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver