big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
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merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I know this now 😂
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
2022: I can fix it
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster