Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
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WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.