My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
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when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.