What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
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Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.