[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
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Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon