wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
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People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁