“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
You Might Also Like
thanksgiving should be called feaster
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that