It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
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If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
The internet is magic sometimes.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
peeping toms
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic