My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
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You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I like crazy people until they notice me
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.