Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
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<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango