The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
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Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho