Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
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Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
you will never know the true number of layers
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem