I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
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Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
WWE is French for “yes”
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.