Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
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I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.