Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
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You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees