Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
You Might Also Like
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
buys donuts instead
*orders delivery*
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
“i miss shittin on people”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*