[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
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My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Duck typos.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Money is the root of all wealth
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time