I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
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*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I’m putting together a team
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.