When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
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I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …