JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
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*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done