Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
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PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
? 💀
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Siri, fight Alexa.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.