Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
You Might Also Like
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.