Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
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I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
this is the greatest thing ever
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Name this drama.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.