It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
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WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Need WebMD
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business