did… did they arrest the mountain lions
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Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.