Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
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[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.