Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
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You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Before & after 😅
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*