I’m pretty like a car crash.
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Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.