“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
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I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.