I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
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*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
my proudest tweet
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.