A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
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My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon