In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
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This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Every BBC series about the universe.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park